Reflections on Life

Today would be my mother's 87th birthday.  She died over twenty years ago, two years before my father.

My parents and my oldest sister

Some years back I was talking with a co-worker about family.  Upon learning that both my parents were no longer living, she expressed sorrow about that situation.  "Doesn't that make you so sad?" she asked.  "Don't you wish they were still alive?"

The answer, of course, was yes. But to me it was a more complicated question and answer.


In my ideal life, both my parents would have been healthy and alive.  They would have been there to enjoy my graduations, wedding, and motherhood together.  They would have been there to give me advice, support and encouragement, share jokes and family history, and to cry together.  But life is never ideal.

I have often thought about what life would be life if my parents had lived longer than they did.  My mother was 67 when she died after a 17 year struggle with Alzheimer's disease.  My father died two years later at age 73, greatly affected by my mother's illness.

My mother's relatively young age during her illness meant her healthier and stronger body kept going long after her mind shut down.  In her final years she was bedridden and had been non-verbal for many more.  I hardly knew her as a vibrant, healthy woman.  Extending this life would have been cruel.

I have never believed in an afterlife, partly because it hurts my brain to have to decide which version of someone would be eternal.  I know the idea of eternal life gives many people comfort, but it never did me.  I attended two memorials this summer for people who died far too young.  The promise of comfort in Heaven was a major theme of both services.  I understand why this speaks to people, but it is not part of my belief system.

In a similar way, I can imagine many scenarios in which my parents are healthy, happy and alive.  But so many things would need to change for that to be a reality.  How do we decide what to change?  Do I get my parents alive but sick?  And if there is no illness in this reality, then so many things about me and my life would probably be different.  It's like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life" seeing the world without his presence.  Life as we know it would just not happen.

Life can be like a Theater of the Absurd production.  Crazy, seemingly meaningless, without logic.  But here we are, and to dwell on the What-Ifs of life is even more meaningless.  Not to get too Oprah-ish... but all we can do is be present, enjoy the world around us and live the best life we can.  When I was a kid we ate dessert every day, and that is a great memory and a great way to live!