Some thoughts about Planned Parenthood

I've had a bunch of different jobs through the years.  Library assistant, grounds crew worker, store clerk, babysitter, temp office worker, health educator.

My job as a medical assistant and abortion counselor at Planned Parenthood is still possibly the most memorable.  In some ways it was the hardest job I had, but maybe not for the reasons you would think.

Despite propaganda to the contrary, I found that many women faced with an unplanned pregnancy chose abortion because things in their lives were hard, complicated, painful, and poorly timed.  I heard stories about questionable partners, sick parents, financial woes.  After a couple years of hearing these stories, it really wore on me.

There was another group of women I found very hard to deal with, and who continue to color my feelings about abortion politics as a whole.  These were the women I encountered who claimed to have always been against abortion before, and even after, their own unplanned pregnancy.

Over and over I heard some version of "my situation is completely different than other women's".  One woman told me that if abortion became illegal, which she would support, she was sure her own doctor would risk punishment to help her if she felt the need for an illegal abortion.  This hypocrisy and contempt for other women's lives was really hard to stomach.

To this day, I assume that many people involved in the anti-choice movement are working through a pregnancy decision they have not come to terms with.  Perhaps they were forced to make an unwanted choice by a parent or a partner, or were later made to feel guilty by someone with an agenda.  I really never understood how women could have an abortion and continue to be against others having that choice.

According to a recent study, most women who have an abortion have no regrets.  Allowing women to make the decision they feel is best will lead to the best outcomes for families in this country. Sometimes this decision will mean continuing a pregnancy, and sometimes it will mean terminating a pregnancy.

I did  get a lot of satisfaction from helping women learn about options to prevent future unplanned pregnancies.  This may be hard to believe, (or maybe not if we listen to our politicians demonstrating their knowledge) but many people reach adulthood in this country with no practical knowledge of reproduction, anatomy, or contraceptives.  I guess they missed that day of class or slept through the lesson that showed the picture of female genitalia (yes, there is more than one hole "down there") or explained how you can keep sperm from reaching an egg. (yes, not having sex is always first on the list, and no, 14 year-olds are not going to use the "rhythm method" very reliably).

Providing education and access to pregnancy prevention information and services, which Planned Parenthood does, is how we reduce abortions in this country.  Not eliminating services for those without resources (because rich women will always have access to healthcare) and cutting back on real education for all ages.

Sleeping it Off

Today my kids enjoyed a 2 hour delayed start for school.  This is to make up for having a normal school schedule yesterday, in the midst of what turned out to be about a 3-5" snowfall.  All over the DC region school buses got into accidents, teen drivers got into accidents, pedestrians and other drivers got into accidents.  It was a mess.  So while the snow and ice are not noticeably different today, the kids got to sleep in a bit.

I on the other hand did not sleep in.  I got up at 5:30am to go to the gym.  My husband was going in anyway, and I figured if I didn't go early, before the kids got up, I might not get in any exercise today.  But also, I realized over our recent Winter Break that sleeping in is not good for me.

On typical school days I wake at 5:30 after getting 6-7 hours of sleep.  I help son #1 get breakfast and pack him a good lunch (if I didn't I don't think he would eat lunch) and he gets in some driving practice going to school with me as co-pilot.  If I am working early I may get up at 5:00 am.  I sometimes feel tired upon waking, but once I've had a big cup of black tea and breakfast I am ready for the day.

At the start of Winter vacation, we traveled to Ohio to see family.  I was fighting off the end of a cold, and happily slept about 10 hours our first night there.  I felt so much better the next day and was glad to be able to get extra rest.  I continued to get 8-10 hours of sleep each night while in Ohio.  When we returned home I was still in vacation mode.  I did not need to get up early, and my kids were happy to sleep in until 9 or 10am (I realize that this is not typical teenager "sleeping in" but was late for them!). I was still getting about 8-9 hours of sleep a night.  Waking at 8 am didn't seem too late, but somehow I felt like I was losing half the day.  It took me a long time to get moving and I felt less productive all day.

It turns out there are real side effects to oversleeping.  Sleeping too much has been linked to an increased risk of diabetes, obesity, headaches, depression, heart disease and even a higher risk of death.  It is important to note that for some of these things, including headache, extra sleep is said to actually be a cause of the problem, but for others including heart disease there is only an association, and a direct cause has not been identified.  A discussion of effects of oversleeping can be found here.

In addition to staying up later and not setting my alarm, I was drinking wine throughout my vacation.  Not a lot, but more than I typically do.  It turns out that alcohol intake can disrupt sleep in a number of ways.  Although it may initially cause sleepiness, alcohol can interrupt sleep cycles, make you sleep less soundly and even cause wakefulness.  This in turn can make you feel terrible the next morning!  This article explains some of this process.

Keeping the same sleep and wake times is recommended for good sleep habits.  This is obviously something I wasn't doing during my vacation.  An occasional change in habits is okay, but it is better to stick to a routine.  Regular exercise and healthy eating, as well as limited alcohol and caffeine use before bed can help too.

Now that I've returned back to my regular schedule I feel so much better!  Even though part of me really wanted to turn off the alarm early this morning, I am so happy I got up and exercised.  I've already written my first blog post in months, a sure sign of major productivity!

Happy Winter everyone!

Thoughts on Teen Driving

I am the proud parent of a teenager with a Learner's Permit.

In Virginia, where we live,  according to the Department of Motor Vehicles the rules for getting a permit and license are as follows:

To obtain a learner's permit in Virginia, you must be at least 15 years and 6 months of age.  You must hold a learner's permit at least nine months and provide proof of successful completion of a state-approved driver education program before you can receive a driver's license. In addition, your parent, guardian or foster parent must provide his or her driver's license or state-issued identification card number and certify that you received at least 45 hours of driver practice, 15 of which must have been competed after sunset. 

As opposed to years past, not all teens are racing to get their driver's license as soon as they turn 16, and in states such as Virginia they need to be 16 years and 3 months at minimum.  Some teens are not interested in learning to drive at all, and don't even get a learner's permit.  I have also heard comments from parents recently about the conditions they insist must be met before their teen can get a learner's permit, such as reaching a certain rank in Boy Scouts.  Other parents are just waiting until their child expresses some interest in driving before getting their permit.

I didn't get my license until I was 18, although I had my permit for a few years.  I definitely felt like I did not get enough practice before I was granted a license, and sort of taught myself to become a competent driver through "on-the-road" training.

I am very comfortable with my son having his permit, because it will allow for the maximum amount of driving practice.  We are in no hurry to get his license, but I see no reason to wait to get a permit.  At least for us, there is no additional cost in insurance until a new driver actually gets their license.  There is a lot of research showing the lower crash rates of teen drivers when teens must wait until they are 17 to get a license.

We are taking the driving training slowly; we live in an area with lots of traffic, everywhere, all the time.  This time is essential for us parents to share advice, instill confidence, and judge competence before allowing independent driving.  So far the driving is going pretty well, although we haven't ventured too far from home yet.  We still need to make it out to the highway when it's quiet, not an easy feat!

I think any conditions need to be saved for actually getting a license.  Kids need as much practice time as they can get, especially in this region.  More time driving with a permit should develop a teen into a safer, more confident driver than rushing the minimum required practice into nine months.

File Therapy

Some people have issues with their weight.  I have issues with clutter.  Not the "Hoarder with dead cat behind the couch" type of clutter.  More the "I might need this some day, I don't have a parent's basement to keep old stuff in, I'm not ready to make a decision about that yet, I'm not sure about that so I'll keep it" kind of clutter.  Lots of papers, mini Allen wrenches from Ikea furniture kits, stubby pencils, coupons, recipes... you get the idea.

I have always been this way.  Early in my marriage, we didn't have a set plan on bill paying, and a few bills got lost in piles of paper.  But I am always trying to get better and I think I have improved with age.  I am now the designated bill payer, and we have a simple system of magazine files for important mail to get put into, so at least it isn't getting lost!

We have had the same 4-drawer file cabinet for about 18 years.  I think there are papers in it since the day it arrived in our first apartment.  For a long time now I have been dreaming of reorganizing the entire file cabinet, especially after I was having trouble closing the drawers.  I am pretty good at filing papers; I'm not very good at weeding out the old stuff we don't need anymore.

I happened to see a picture of a newly re-organized file cabinet, and I was inspired.  I saw this on the Blog a bowl full of lemons and thought maybe I could actually do something similar:

The blogger spent one day reorganizing her files into color-coded hanging folders.

Well, I've spent one week, and I'm still not done!  But I have made huge progress.

I started out ordering boxes of colored hanging folders.  Oops!  I thought I was getting five colors, but it was only four.  Sigh.  I got new labels for the folder tabs, and decided how I wanted to organize the files we have.

I came up with five basic categories:  Home/Auto/Medical for insurance, repair and maintenance records; Rental Property records; Financial, for investments, bank accounts and taxes; Monthly Expenses including utilities, credit cards and other bills; and miscellaneous family and school records.  I assigned a color to each category, although the Monthly Expenses and Financial groups have to share because I don't know how to read a product description correctly.  Hopefully they will get along.  This is still a work in progress, but it seems to be working so far.

Ten-year old "This is Not a Bill" insurance statements and similar items have been sent to the shred pile.  I'm hopefully hanging onto the things we are supposed to save.  There is a basic list of how long to keep documents here on the USA.gov site.  My husband is even more conservative about how long to keep certain tax and investment records so they get a pass for now.

My files don't look quite as pretty as the photo above, but they will soon!  And then I will post my own photo so stay-tuned.

Bi-Partisan Nitwits

In Virginia, our former governor Bob McDonnell and his wife Maureen were found guilty of corruption yesterday.  I really don't put too much faith in politician's claims about their values and beliefs, but when they enact legislation that affects me I do need to pay attention.  He has stated that his ideas have evolved with time, but 20 years ago he wrote that working women and feminists were 'detrimental' to the family.  I'm not sure what an untested "miracle drug" based on tobacco was supposed to do for families other than take their money and give false hope.

Yesterday I happened to read a story about Secretary of State John Kerry on a conservative Facebook page.  Kerry was addressing a group of Muslim Americans and supposedly made a comment about America having a biblical responsibility to protect Muslim countries from the effects of climate change.  I made the serious mistake of reading some of the comments, and they make me truly worry for the future of this country.  

I believe climate change is real and important, as is corruption.  I'm curious if the corruption will get the same response as climate change. (ie silly John Kerry quoting the bible to defend policy of man-made weather problems).  So far the "conservative" comments I've read about the McDonnell case mainly suggest that if McDonnell was a Democrat instead of a Republican he would have gotten off with just a slap on the hand.  And that most jurors are unemployed welfare recipients (and obviously Democrats).

As it turns out corrupt politicians happen to be a pretty bipartisan bunch.  Mainly I need to stop reading comments written by any nitwits who can't spell and who think any interpretation of religion, science or politics other than their own is wrong.

But we have survived this long, and nitwits are not a new invention of any political party or philosophy, or even the internet.  Keep Calm and Ignore the Nitwits!

Surprise Me

Many people are currently writing about things they are grateful for in their lives.  So I decided to do something different.  I do have many, many things that I am grateful for.  I live an extremely privileged life, I'll just get that out of the way.

More fun to me is to think about the things in my life that surprise me.

I remember as a teenager lying on the beach in Evanston, looking out over Lake Michigan, and thinking something along the lines of "Maybe my future husband is across the lake."  I really wasn't one to swoon and wax romantic, but I guess I figured my life might follow a familiar trajectory.  But I was shy, introverted and a late bloomer, and it was hard to see that future as a reality.

One surprise is that my future husband WAS basically across the lake!  He grew up in Ohio.  But if you had told me that I would marry a guy from a really small town who lived on a Christmas tree farm and had chores like feeding steers I would have sent you in for serious questioning!  This was not the future husband I had envisioned.  If I described his family  background a different way, you would see only similarities with mine, however.  We both had parents who were academics from New England, both had parents who were the first generation in their families to go to college, both are one of four siblings.  These and other similarities are what made us compatible despite pretty different upbringings.

I am a committed feminist... my definition of a feminist is anyone who appreciates a woman's right to vote and own property.  I worked at one of the places anti-feminists love to hate most, Planned Parenthood (one of my most memorable jobs which I might write a separate post about).  Despite that I have had a surprisingly traditional married life.  I haven't worked full time since the day before I became a mother, and sporadically since then.  This has been for a variety of reasons, and I fully appreciate my situation.  I do most of my family's cooking, laundry and cleaning.  But years ago, I never pictured myself having the patience to be a "stay at home mother".  I also thought I would have four kids, but that was before I ever had any!

I'm not sure what the future holds for me as my kids and I get older, but I am grateful to have many options.

My children are complete surprises to me.  I did gestate and give birth to both of them, but there have been numerous times I have looked at them and thought "Now where did you come from again?"  I thought parenting would be easier, starting with trying to feed the first one.  But at a phase when many people are worried about the path their kids will take, I see my sons maturing, making great choices and helping each other out in ways that I didn't see before.  I even see myself in them in ways maybe I can't define.  My sense of humor, love of reading, occasional anxiety, irreverance and sarcasm all show up in my kids.  Hopefully some more positive qualities will too!

So often we have tunnel vision about our lives, and forget that every day brings new surprises for all of us.  Here's hoping for some good ones.

Reflections on Life

Today would be my mother's 87th birthday.  She died over twenty years ago, two years before my father.

My parents and my oldest sister

Some years back I was talking with a co-worker about family.  Upon learning that both my parents were no longer living, she expressed sorrow about that situation.  "Doesn't that make you so sad?" she asked.  "Don't you wish they were still alive?"

The answer, of course, was yes. But to me it was a more complicated question and answer.


In my ideal life, both my parents would have been healthy and alive.  They would have been there to enjoy my graduations, wedding, and motherhood together.  They would have been there to give me advice, support and encouragement, share jokes and family history, and to cry together.  But life is never ideal.

I have often thought about what life would be life if my parents had lived longer than they did.  My mother was 67 when she died after a 17 year struggle with Alzheimer's disease.  My father died two years later at age 73, greatly affected by my mother's illness.

My mother's relatively young age during her illness meant her healthier and stronger body kept going long after her mind shut down.  In her final years she was bedridden and had been non-verbal for many more.  I hardly knew her as a vibrant, healthy woman.  Extending this life would have been cruel.

I have never believed in an afterlife, partly because it hurts my brain to have to decide which version of someone would be eternal.  I know the idea of eternal life gives many people comfort, but it never did me.  I attended two memorials this summer for people who died far too young.  The promise of comfort in Heaven was a major theme of both services.  I understand why this speaks to people, but it is not part of my belief system.

In a similar way, I can imagine many scenarios in which my parents are healthy, happy and alive.  But so many things would need to change for that to be a reality.  How do we decide what to change?  Do I get my parents alive but sick?  And if there is no illness in this reality, then so many things about me and my life would probably be different.  It's like George Bailey in "It's a Wonderful Life" seeing the world without his presence.  Life as we know it would just not happen.

Life can be like a Theater of the Absurd production.  Crazy, seemingly meaningless, without logic.  But here we are, and to dwell on the What-Ifs of life is even more meaningless.  Not to get too Oprah-ish... but all we can do is be present, enjoy the world around us and live the best life we can.  When I was a kid we ate dessert every day, and that is a great memory and a great way to live!